Good call

Initial eye contact, a smile, a glance held across the room. The game begins. He seems interested.

We talk, laugh a bit, make conversation about work, school, life.

A pause as we each turn to our own friends and chat for a while.

As I turn back he walks nearer, followed by his friends. "Well, I have to go. See you at the wedding tomorrow."

He leaves as I say to my cousin, "He has a girlfriend." She replies, "How do you know?" I answer, "He wouldn't have just gotten up and left like that if he were available."

The following night I observe as he waves across the dinner hall from the head table. His girlfriend, soon to be fiancee, is eating at a distant table.

My friend comments later, "What a good call you made. Many women would have taken his abrupt departure as a signal to indicate the now-famous and potentially harmful, 'He's just not that into you.'"

Just one more reason I disdain that phrase....

For granted

Something I've probably always taken for granted is that I will have a relationship in which there is abundant communication. Ranging from conversations about the mundane to philosophical discussions that may eventually improve the state of the world, communication between my future partner and me will be lively to say the least.

But what happens when your interest flows to someone who is not so communicative? Is this a so-called "deal breaker"?

In the end I decided that it is. My imaginative life is so incredibly strong and active that if my partner does not meet me there, we will spend much of our lives unavoidably separated. For his sake and for mine... the search continues.

Emotionally available?

This is a kind of catch-phrase I heard first from my therapist, and later from Delilah on the radio. Current relationship common sense seems to question first whether one is inadvertently searching for someone who is emotionally unavailable. What if you cannot tell from the start? What if the person puts their game face on, their best foot forward, and disguises his complete inability to commit to a relationship?

Nevertheless, the optimist inside me still believes there may exist more concrete signals of being emotionally available. What of the person who begins to include you in his plans from the start? She or he holds your hand as you walk through the restaurant looking for the table. She introduces you to her friends and enthusiastically spends time with yours. He asks probing questions about your family and hugs you during the sad parts.

This person might actually be available. Now the task is to remain that way yourself: be present, be aware, and .... show up.

The Signals

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I guess I just thought I was getting the signals."

How can one learn to interpret another person's "signals"? What if that is impossible? What is the difference between my signals for "I like you" and "I want you to come in for the kill" "in public" "and in broad daylight"?

Contrast this experience with another, the verbalization that removes the need for magical signal-reading abilities. The one that begins with "May I...?" and produces a feeling of respect and childlike glee.

Communication. Silent mutual understanding without the need for speech only comes (with any luck) after sharing experiences, through trial and error. At the beginning of a relationship a few well-thought-out questions that look for clarification and intend to explore the other person's desires are both necessary and their own form of poetry.

Each time a new relationship begins we are allowed and encouraged to redefine what we want from a relationship. What a beautiful opportunity.

And So Do You

"By the way, I do have self-control," he said, with a meaningful and patient look. "And so do you."

A moment of clarity, a realization that this person respects both himself and me enough to wait, to endure, to court.

This should be interesting.

Ten Minutes

"I don't know. He seemed very interesting at first: sensitive and intelligent. But after talking with him for ten minutes, I realized he only talked about himself. He didn't ask me anything about my life."

In order to be successful at a young age, a person must take a positive attitude toward oneself. I must be self-confident in order to encourage others to have confidence in me. In addition,
a type-A personality is common in people successful in their work. Self confidence and being successful are two very attractive characteristics in a potential partner. However, egotism, self-interest, a lack of social skill in one-on-one interactions, and a simple lack of creativity to allow you to intuit the questions that will elicit an interesting response from your partner are extremely unattractive qualities.

What can a young woman look for as warning signs, when certain troublesome signs unfortunately mark the traits she's actually looking for in a partner? How can I date a man who is confident, without having to sacrifice having a relationship with someone who cares enough to ask about me?

I'm willing to wait. I'm also optimistic. There have to be people, both men and women, who have developed enough sensibility and social skills on their way to fiscal and professional success so as to be a fulfilling partner.

In the meantime, I must unabashedly judge a lack of interest in my life and person to mean that he is definitely not good enough for me.

Power Issues

"The problem for us is that Italian women these days have too much power; they are exactly like men."

I guess Dad would have appreciated this man's sentiments. If Italian women are just like men,
then what can Italian men possibly do to or for them? What if American women already experienced the "just like men" phase of our development, and this new generation needs to learn to be women in a new way?

In small-town Wisconsin elementary school, I thought boys and girls were taught with equality. I never felt the boys were given special opportunities, nor were the girls taught anything different, except of course the famous sex education portion of fifth grade. I honestly do feel just as powerful as the men; and if I ever feel disempowered, I have a strong desire to regain my personal power. But what are we really struggling for?

If women start from the basic belief that we already have as much power as men, maybe that is what will set our generation apart. I no longer have to "fight" to keep my power, as perhaps women in newly liberated countries like Italy, or like the U.S. during my father's youth. However, if my personal strength is questioned or threatened, you can believe I am going to fight to keep it.

This is perhaps a slight difference, but what it means is that the men we encounter who already know about and respect our power will be the men with whom we will be able to reach a new and deeper emotional relationship. Women like me must interview carefully prospective candidates to be sure they will not doubt our power, but will also not feel threatened by it.

If we accidentally connect with a man who has not evolved with us, the ensuing conflict will appear unfortunately familiar to the women of my mother's generation who watch on with trepidation.