Flags

To flag or not to flag; that is the question. I recently bought a blank book. I wanted to keep track of the good memories I make on the first few dates, the best few dates. Which movie was the first one we saw together? When did we first hold hands? So many sweet moments to remember that I always forget. Ask me in three weeks and I won't be able to recall who I saw that movie with.

I brought the book home and filled the first few pages with my adventures from the last couple of weeks, put it down and actually went on a date that night.

Too bad, but the following afternoon when I sat down to write what I had learned the night before about my current flame, I realized that I needed to take out a red pen (or a pink highlighter, as the case may have been) and mark the new information with a little flag in the margin. Heart sinks.

The only part of it that feels good is being able to recognize and admit reg flags as they happen. Maybe the little "Courtship diary" will turn into "The Red Flag Ledger," but if it marks progress toward the long term goal, all is well.

And on we go.

Good call

Initial eye contact, a smile, a glance held across the room. The game begins. He seems interested.

We talk, laugh a bit, make conversation about work, school, life.

A pause as we each turn to our own friends and chat for a while.

As I turn back he walks nearer, followed by his friends. "Well, I have to go. See you at the wedding tomorrow."

He leaves as I say to my cousin, "He has a girlfriend." She replies, "How do you know?" I answer, "He wouldn't have just gotten up and left like that if he were available."

The following night I observe as he waves across the dinner hall from the head table. His girlfriend, soon to be fiancee, is eating at a distant table.

My friend comments later, "What a good call you made. Many women would have taken his abrupt departure as a signal to indicate the now-famous and potentially harmful, 'He's just not that into you.'"

Just one more reason I disdain that phrase....

For granted

Something I've probably always taken for granted is that I will have a relationship in which there is abundant communication. Ranging from conversations about the mundane to philosophical discussions that may eventually improve the state of the world, communication between my future partner and me will be lively to say the least.

But what happens when your interest flows to someone who is not so communicative? Is this a so-called "deal breaker"?

In the end I decided that it is. My imaginative life is so incredibly strong and active that if my partner does not meet me there, we will spend much of our lives unavoidably separated. For his sake and for mine... the search continues.

Emotionally available?

This is a kind of catch-phrase I heard first from my therapist, and later from Delilah on the radio. Current relationship common sense seems to question first whether one is inadvertently searching for someone who is emotionally unavailable. What if you cannot tell from the start? What if the person puts their game face on, their best foot forward, and disguises his complete inability to commit to a relationship?

Nevertheless, the optimist inside me still believes there may exist more concrete signals of being emotionally available. What of the person who begins to include you in his plans from the start? She or he holds your hand as you walk through the restaurant looking for the table. She introduces you to her friends and enthusiastically spends time with yours. He asks probing questions about your family and hugs you during the sad parts.

This person might actually be available. Now the task is to remain that way yourself: be present, be aware, and .... show up.

The Signals

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I guess I just thought I was getting the signals."

How can one learn to interpret another person's "signals"? What if that is impossible? What is the difference between my signals for "I like you" and "I want you to come in for the kill" "in public" "and in broad daylight"?

Contrast this experience with another, the verbalization that removes the need for magical signal-reading abilities. The one that begins with "May I...?" and produces a feeling of respect and childlike glee.

Communication. Silent mutual understanding without the need for speech only comes (with any luck) after sharing experiences, through trial and error. At the beginning of a relationship a few well-thought-out questions that look for clarification and intend to explore the other person's desires are both necessary and their own form of poetry.

Each time a new relationship begins we are allowed and encouraged to redefine what we want from a relationship. What a beautiful opportunity.

And So Do You

"By the way, I do have self-control," he said, with a meaningful and patient look. "And so do you."

A moment of clarity, a realization that this person respects both himself and me enough to wait, to endure, to court.

This should be interesting.

Ten Minutes

"I don't know. He seemed very interesting at first: sensitive and intelligent. But after talking with him for ten minutes, I realized he only talked about himself. He didn't ask me anything about my life."

In order to be successful at a young age, a person must take a positive attitude toward oneself. I must be self-confident in order to encourage others to have confidence in me. In addition,
a type-A personality is common in people successful in their work. Self confidence and being successful are two very attractive characteristics in a potential partner. However, egotism, self-interest, a lack of social skill in one-on-one interactions, and a simple lack of creativity to allow you to intuit the questions that will elicit an interesting response from your partner are extremely unattractive qualities.

What can a young woman look for as warning signs, when certain troublesome signs unfortunately mark the traits she's actually looking for in a partner? How can I date a man who is confident, without having to sacrifice having a relationship with someone who cares enough to ask about me?

I'm willing to wait. I'm also optimistic. There have to be people, both men and women, who have developed enough sensibility and social skills on their way to fiscal and professional success so as to be a fulfilling partner.

In the meantime, I must unabashedly judge a lack of interest in my life and person to mean that he is definitely not good enough for me.