The Signals

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I guess I just thought I was getting the signals."

How can one learn to interpret another person's "signals"? What if that is impossible? What is the difference between my signals for "I like you" and "I want you to come in for the kill" "in public" "and in broad daylight"?

Contrast this experience with another, the verbalization that removes the need for magical signal-reading abilities. The one that begins with "May I...?" and produces a feeling of respect and childlike glee.

Communication. Silent mutual understanding without the need for speech only comes (with any luck) after sharing experiences, through trial and error. At the beginning of a relationship a few well-thought-out questions that look for clarification and intend to explore the other person's desires are both necessary and their own form of poetry.

Each time a new relationship begins we are allowed and encouraged to redefine what we want from a relationship. What a beautiful opportunity.

And So Do You

"By the way, I do have self-control," he said, with a meaningful and patient look. "And so do you."

A moment of clarity, a realization that this person respects both himself and me enough to wait, to endure, to court.

This should be interesting.

Ten Minutes

"I don't know. He seemed very interesting at first: sensitive and intelligent. But after talking with him for ten minutes, I realized he only talked about himself. He didn't ask me anything about my life."

In order to be successful at a young age, a person must take a positive attitude toward oneself. I must be self-confident in order to encourage others to have confidence in me. In addition,
a type-A personality is common in people successful in their work. Self confidence and being successful are two very attractive characteristics in a potential partner. However, egotism, self-interest, a lack of social skill in one-on-one interactions, and a simple lack of creativity to allow you to intuit the questions that will elicit an interesting response from your partner are extremely unattractive qualities.

What can a young woman look for as warning signs, when certain troublesome signs unfortunately mark the traits she's actually looking for in a partner? How can I date a man who is confident, without having to sacrifice having a relationship with someone who cares enough to ask about me?

I'm willing to wait. I'm also optimistic. There have to be people, both men and women, who have developed enough sensibility and social skills on their way to fiscal and professional success so as to be a fulfilling partner.

In the meantime, I must unabashedly judge a lack of interest in my life and person to mean that he is definitely not good enough for me.

Power Issues

"The problem for us is that Italian women these days have too much power; they are exactly like men."

I guess Dad would have appreciated this man's sentiments. If Italian women are just like men,
then what can Italian men possibly do to or for them? What if American women already experienced the "just like men" phase of our development, and this new generation needs to learn to be women in a new way?

In small-town Wisconsin elementary school, I thought boys and girls were taught with equality. I never felt the boys were given special opportunities, nor were the girls taught anything different, except of course the famous sex education portion of fifth grade. I honestly do feel just as powerful as the men; and if I ever feel disempowered, I have a strong desire to regain my personal power. But what are we really struggling for?

If women start from the basic belief that we already have as much power as men, maybe that is what will set our generation apart. I no longer have to "fight" to keep my power, as perhaps women in newly liberated countries like Italy, or like the U.S. during my father's youth. However, if my personal strength is questioned or threatened, you can believe I am going to fight to keep it.

This is perhaps a slight difference, but what it means is that the men we encounter who already know about and respect our power will be the men with whom we will be able to reach a new and deeper emotional relationship. Women like me must interview carefully prospective candidates to be sure they will not doubt our power, but will also not feel threatened by it.

If we accidentally connect with a man who has not evolved with us, the ensuing conflict will appear unfortunately familiar to the women of my mother's generation who watch on with trepidation.

The Social Spinning Wheel

How do you define a friend? I guess for centuries people have been puzzling over this question, ever since "E tu, Brutae?"

I seldom have tried to "define" the concept of a friend, because in my general experience it is simply better to have more than fewer. I have rarely wanted to weed the garden.

However, I may be approaching the season for cleaning, for narrowing, for separating wheat and chaff. But how does one choose?

The same question applies when dating. We must be able to see, recognize and choose the best ones out of all the candidates. We have both the right and the responsibility to choose carefully both our friends and our love partners, and we must hold solid standards for both.

Now I'm thinking again of my father, especially since we're approaching the one year anniversary of his death. I always thought Dad judged people too quickly and harshly. He would often tell us girls that this or that person was not to be trusted, or this guy was a "rounder," and so on.

I remember being puzzled sometimes, however, when in social situations Dad would always treat said person the same as his closest friends. Looking at my own behavior, I believe I may be copying what I learned from him. I'm not always clear with people when I don't consider them friends, and I have evidently not always separated from a partner when it was clear I was no longer attached.

We have to strike a delicate balance, it seems, between greasing the social wheel and making others feel they share a close friendship with us. Sometimes we balance well and other times we tip to one side.

Often we lose our balance in relationships. Now I need to learn to fine-tune my own desires, be honest about them, and not find myself feeling the hypocrite once again.

Illiterate

"The poor illiterate devil that lives inside of me." --Juan José Millás in _Dos mujeres en Praga_

Millás's narrator tells of his struggle to learn English, taking one course each Fall in the language. He tells how every year this young anglophone inside of him comes forward to take the class, then retreats when it's over, only to come out again in the event the narrator needs to travel. One time, the young man seems much thinner than usual when he comes out. It's been a long time since he was needed.

I love this personification of nascent language skill. Just like a "poor illiterate devil" is exactly how you feel when you listen, enraptured, as the lady across from you in the Metro graces you with an intriguing and hilarious story about a woman whose skirt got stuck in the escalator the other day, and it takes until the end of the story for you to have any idea of what you're laughing at. Thank goodness for her five-year old daughter who was repeating after her mother the important points as she laughed and bragged that if she had been there, she would have pulled harder until it came out, thank you very much!

I never did figure out if the lady's skirt came all the way off and everyone saw her panties, if it ripped but stayed on as a shorter version of its original self, or if they eventually got it out of the escalator. Not speaking the language very well is like participating in an oral version of one of those "Choose your own adventures" novels we all read as adolescents.

The poor illiterate devil inside of me is ready to retreat and take a long nap.

Because I love

I think Dad knew a secret. In fact, I think Grandma knew the secret too.

God is love.

Wait...how can it be a secret if it's written in one of the most widely read books in the world?

But I still believe it is a secret.

I think the majority of people who read that sentence get stuck on another level of so-called spirituality. In my experience, most people who call themselves religious in a Christian sense are constantly basing their "spirituality" on fear. Their fear is serious, and their fear is real, but it is not healthy. And it is not spiritual. Most of the religious people I know are afraid for their souls. This is unfortunate, but it is even more unfortunate that they are also afraid for their loved-ones' souls.

Is a spirituality that is based on fear a spirituality? Let me take this one step further, and question morality. How many people believe morality comes from a person's religious faith or upbringing? My question becomes here, then, how strong and valid is a morality that is based on fear?

I'm writing this post because my faith is sometimes questioned by those around me who are worried for me. I appreciate that they care, but I need them to please think about what they are afraid of.

Let it be known, henceforward, what I believe: I love humanity. I love the world. I love beauty and life and tolerance. I want the best for everyone I know and everyone I don't know. I wish for utopia in the world.

These facts guide my morality, and they emanate from me wrapped in a deep-seated certainty that I will not go to Hell.

I dialogue regularly with my conscience, and I speak to the higher power that may be male, female, yin and yang, genderless, timeless, or simply energy potential.

Please don't expect me to be Christian. Or to be Buddhist, or Muslim or any other particular faith.

Above all, please don't fear for my soul.

I love.