"I don't know. He seemed very interesting at first: sensitive and intelligent. But after talking with him for ten minutes, I realized he only talked about himself. He didn't ask me anything about my life."
In order to be successful at a young age, a person must take a positive attitude toward oneself. I must be self-confident in order to encourage others to have confidence in me. In addition,
a type-A personality is common in people successful in their work. Self confidence and being successful are two very attractive characteristics in a potential partner. However, egotism, self-interest, a lack of social skill in one-on-one interactions, and a simple lack of creativity to allow you to intuit the questions that will elicit an interesting response from your partner are extremely unattractive qualities.
What can a young woman look for as warning signs, when certain troublesome signs unfortunately mark the traits she's actually looking for in a partner? How can I date a man who is confident, without having to sacrifice having a relationship with someone who cares enough to ask about me?
I'm willing to wait. I'm also optimistic. There have to be people, both men and women, who have developed enough sensibility and social skills on their way to fiscal and professional success so as to be a fulfilling partner.
In the meantime, I must unabashedly judge a lack of interest in my life and person to mean that he is definitely not good enough for me.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Power Issues
"The problem for us is that Italian women these days have too much power; they are exactly like men."
I guess Dad would have appreciated this man's sentiments. If Italian women are just like men,
then what can Italian men possibly do to or for them? What if American women already experienced the "just like men" phase of our development, and this new generation needs to learn to be women in a new way?
In small-town Wisconsin elementary school, I thought boys and girls were taught with equality. I never felt the boys were given special opportunities, nor were the girls taught anything different, except of course the famous sex education portion of fifth grade. I honestly do feel just as powerful as the men; and if I ever feel disempowered, I have a strong desire to regain my personal power. But what are we really struggling for?
If women start from the basic belief that we already have as much power as men, maybe that is what will set our generation apart. I no longer have to "fight" to keep my power, as perhaps women in newly liberated countries like Italy, or like the U.S. during my father's youth. However, if my personal strength is questioned or threatened, you can believe I am going to fight to keep it.
This is perhaps a slight difference, but what it means is that the men we encounter who already know about and respect our power will be the men with whom we will be able to reach a new and deeper emotional relationship. Women like me must interview carefully prospective candidates to be sure they will not doubt our power, but will also not feel threatened by it.
If we accidentally connect with a man who has not evolved with us, the ensuing conflict will appear unfortunately familiar to the women of my mother's generation who watch on with trepidation.
I guess Dad would have appreciated this man's sentiments. If Italian women are just like men,
then what can Italian men possibly do to or for them? What if American women already experienced the "just like men" phase of our development, and this new generation needs to learn to be women in a new way?
In small-town Wisconsin elementary school, I thought boys and girls were taught with equality. I never felt the boys were given special opportunities, nor were the girls taught anything different, except of course the famous sex education portion of fifth grade. I honestly do feel just as powerful as the men; and if I ever feel disempowered, I have a strong desire to regain my personal power. But what are we really struggling for?
If women start from the basic belief that we already have as much power as men, maybe that is what will set our generation apart. I no longer have to "fight" to keep my power, as perhaps women in newly liberated countries like Italy, or like the U.S. during my father's youth. However, if my personal strength is questioned or threatened, you can believe I am going to fight to keep it.
This is perhaps a slight difference, but what it means is that the men we encounter who already know about and respect our power will be the men with whom we will be able to reach a new and deeper emotional relationship. Women like me must interview carefully prospective candidates to be sure they will not doubt our power, but will also not feel threatened by it.
If we accidentally connect with a man who has not evolved with us, the ensuing conflict will appear unfortunately familiar to the women of my mother's generation who watch on with trepidation.
The Social Spinning Wheel
How do you define a friend? I guess for centuries people have been puzzling over this question, ever since "E tu, Brutae?"
I seldom have tried to "define" the concept of a friend, because in my general experience it is simply better to have more than fewer. I have rarely wanted to weed the garden.
However, I may be approaching the season for cleaning, for narrowing, for separating wheat and chaff. But how does one choose?
The same question applies when dating. We must be able to see, recognize and choose the best ones out of all the candidates. We have both the right and the responsibility to choose carefully both our friends and our love partners, and we must hold solid standards for both.
Now I'm thinking again of my father, especially since we're approaching the one year anniversary of his death. I always thought Dad judged people too quickly and harshly. He would often tell us girls that this or that person was not to be trusted, or this guy was a "rounder," and so on.
I remember being puzzled sometimes, however, when in social situations Dad would always treat said person the same as his closest friends. Looking at my own behavior, I believe I may be copying what I learned from him. I'm not always clear with people when I don't consider them friends, and I have evidently not always separated from a partner when it was clear I was no longer attached.
We have to strike a delicate balance, it seems, between greasing the social wheel and making others feel they share a close friendship with us. Sometimes we balance well and other times we tip to one side.
Often we lose our balance in relationships. Now I need to learn to fine-tune my own desires, be honest about them, and not find myself feeling the hypocrite once again.
I seldom have tried to "define" the concept of a friend, because in my general experience it is simply better to have more than fewer. I have rarely wanted to weed the garden.
However, I may be approaching the season for cleaning, for narrowing, for separating wheat and chaff. But how does one choose?
The same question applies when dating. We must be able to see, recognize and choose the best ones out of all the candidates. We have both the right and the responsibility to choose carefully both our friends and our love partners, and we must hold solid standards for both.
Now I'm thinking again of my father, especially since we're approaching the one year anniversary of his death. I always thought Dad judged people too quickly and harshly. He would often tell us girls that this or that person was not to be trusted, or this guy was a "rounder," and so on.
I remember being puzzled sometimes, however, when in social situations Dad would always treat said person the same as his closest friends. Looking at my own behavior, I believe I may be copying what I learned from him. I'm not always clear with people when I don't consider them friends, and I have evidently not always separated from a partner when it was clear I was no longer attached.
We have to strike a delicate balance, it seems, between greasing the social wheel and making others feel they share a close friendship with us. Sometimes we balance well and other times we tip to one side.
Often we lose our balance in relationships. Now I need to learn to fine-tune my own desires, be honest about them, and not find myself feeling the hypocrite once again.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Illiterate
"The poor illiterate devil that lives inside of me." --Juan José Millás in _Dos mujeres en Praga_
Millás's narrator tells of his struggle to learn English, taking one course each Fall in the language. He tells how every year this young anglophone inside of him comes forward to take the class, then retreats when it's over, only to come out again in the event the narrator needs to travel. One time, the young man seems much thinner than usual when he comes out. It's been a long time since he was needed.
I love this personification of nascent language skill. Just like a "poor illiterate devil" is exactly how you feel when you listen, enraptured, as the lady across from you in the Metro graces you with an intriguing and hilarious story about a woman whose skirt got stuck in the escalator the other day, and it takes until the end of the story for you to have any idea of what you're laughing at. Thank goodness for her five-year old daughter who was repeating after her mother the important points as she laughed and bragged that if she had been there, she would have pulled harder until it came out, thank you very much!
I never did figure out if the lady's skirt came all the way off and everyone saw her panties, if it ripped but stayed on as a shorter version of its original self, or if they eventually got it out of the escalator. Not speaking the language very well is like participating in an oral version of one of those "Choose your own adventures" novels we all read as adolescents.
The poor illiterate devil inside of me is ready to retreat and take a long nap.
Millás's narrator tells of his struggle to learn English, taking one course each Fall in the language. He tells how every year this young anglophone inside of him comes forward to take the class, then retreats when it's over, only to come out again in the event the narrator needs to travel. One time, the young man seems much thinner than usual when he comes out. It's been a long time since he was needed.
I love this personification of nascent language skill. Just like a "poor illiterate devil" is exactly how you feel when you listen, enraptured, as the lady across from you in the Metro graces you with an intriguing and hilarious story about a woman whose skirt got stuck in the escalator the other day, and it takes until the end of the story for you to have any idea of what you're laughing at. Thank goodness for her five-year old daughter who was repeating after her mother the important points as she laughed and bragged that if she had been there, she would have pulled harder until it came out, thank you very much!
I never did figure out if the lady's skirt came all the way off and everyone saw her panties, if it ripped but stayed on as a shorter version of its original self, or if they eventually got it out of the escalator. Not speaking the language very well is like participating in an oral version of one of those "Choose your own adventures" novels we all read as adolescents.
The poor illiterate devil inside of me is ready to retreat and take a long nap.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Because I love
I think Dad knew a secret. In fact, I think Grandma knew the secret too.
God is love.
Wait...how can it be a secret if it's written in one of the most widely read books in the world?
But I still believe it is a secret.
I think the majority of people who read that sentence get stuck on another level of so-called spirituality. In my experience, most people who call themselves religious in a Christian sense are constantly basing their "spirituality" on fear. Their fear is serious, and their fear is real, but it is not healthy. And it is not spiritual. Most of the religious people I know are afraid for their souls. This is unfortunate, but it is even more unfortunate that they are also afraid for their loved-ones' souls.
Is a spirituality that is based on fear a spirituality? Let me take this one step further, and question morality. How many people believe morality comes from a person's religious faith or upbringing? My question becomes here, then, how strong and valid is a morality that is based on fear?
I'm writing this post because my faith is sometimes questioned by those around me who are worried for me. I appreciate that they care, but I need them to please think about what they are afraid of.
Let it be known, henceforward, what I believe: I love humanity. I love the world. I love beauty and life and tolerance. I want the best for everyone I know and everyone I don't know. I wish for utopia in the world.
These facts guide my morality, and they emanate from me wrapped in a deep-seated certainty that I will not go to Hell.
I dialogue regularly with my conscience, and I speak to the higher power that may be male, female, yin and yang, genderless, timeless, or simply energy potential.
Please don't expect me to be Christian. Or to be Buddhist, or Muslim or any other particular faith.
Above all, please don't fear for my soul.
I love.
God is love.
Wait...how can it be a secret if it's written in one of the most widely read books in the world?
But I still believe it is a secret.
I think the majority of people who read that sentence get stuck on another level of so-called spirituality. In my experience, most people who call themselves religious in a Christian sense are constantly basing their "spirituality" on fear. Their fear is serious, and their fear is real, but it is not healthy. And it is not spiritual. Most of the religious people I know are afraid for their souls. This is unfortunate, but it is even more unfortunate that they are also afraid for their loved-ones' souls.
Is a spirituality that is based on fear a spirituality? Let me take this one step further, and question morality. How many people believe morality comes from a person's religious faith or upbringing? My question becomes here, then, how strong and valid is a morality that is based on fear?
I'm writing this post because my faith is sometimes questioned by those around me who are worried for me. I appreciate that they care, but I need them to please think about what they are afraid of.
Let it be known, henceforward, what I believe: I love humanity. I love the world. I love beauty and life and tolerance. I want the best for everyone I know and everyone I don't know. I wish for utopia in the world.
These facts guide my morality, and they emanate from me wrapped in a deep-seated certainty that I will not go to Hell.
I dialogue regularly with my conscience, and I speak to the higher power that may be male, female, yin and yang, genderless, timeless, or simply energy potential.
Please don't expect me to be Christian. Or to be Buddhist, or Muslim or any other particular faith.
Above all, please don't fear for my soul.
I love.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Jealousy: A Symptom of Non-Relationship
Jealousy has no place in a relationship. Where does jealousy come from? It comes from the insecurity of one member of a partnership. This needs to be regarded as a weakness in that member and worked out either in conversational dialogue between the partners, or in professional therapy. If not, jealousy becomes a negative controlling factor that limits the life experience and happiness of the other partner.
I had a partner who felt jealousy, but I did not know at the time that this was his unresolved issue. Therefore, it quickly became my issue. I was no longer "allowed" to spend time with any ex-partners, because as he calmly explained, this only served to increase his insecurity with our relationship. He reasoned, "Why would you want to create insecurity in me? Don't you respect me?" That was how the manipulation began, and that would be the thread throughout our relationship.
Soon, it was not only ex-boyfriends that I couldn't spend time with. Next it was men who had ever expressed romantic interest in me. This is an extremely slippery slope, down which we quickly fell. Finally, all men fit into this category because as he explained to me, all men want to sleep with all the women they meet. This meant I was not "allowed" to spend time alone with any man at any location, not in public, like at a coffee shop, and especially not in private. Of course I could not meet my old friend from college when he came to town for the afternoon at a coffee shop. It's embarrassing to me now that I sacrificed my friendship that had lasted over the years to satisfy and therefore unwittingly help cover up the insecurity of the man I was dating.
I didn't understand at the time that these were his issues, that he needed to work out, and had nothing to do with me. But somehow I was the one making all the changes in my life, and suddenly feeling like a guilty suspect even when I had never done, nor thought of doing, anything that would actually endanger my relationship. He needed counseling because his previous partner had slowly left him for another man. The problem was, in fact, that he and his previous partner had grown apart, had lost the spark of good communication and emotional communion that is essential for a trusting relationship. So instead of building this spark and maintaining it with me, he was choosing the less complicated, less difficult path of forbidding me contact with "outsiders." This was the easy way out and destined us for a weak and eventually failed relationship.
We must all take the time, put in the effort, and build the emotional trust that leads to healthy relationships.
If you must put limits on your partner, something else is wrong.
If I don't trust my partner, he is fundamentally not my partner.
I had a partner who felt jealousy, but I did not know at the time that this was his unresolved issue. Therefore, it quickly became my issue. I was no longer "allowed" to spend time with any ex-partners, because as he calmly explained, this only served to increase his insecurity with our relationship. He reasoned, "Why would you want to create insecurity in me? Don't you respect me?" That was how the manipulation began, and that would be the thread throughout our relationship.
Soon, it was not only ex-boyfriends that I couldn't spend time with. Next it was men who had ever expressed romantic interest in me. This is an extremely slippery slope, down which we quickly fell. Finally, all men fit into this category because as he explained to me, all men want to sleep with all the women they meet. This meant I was not "allowed" to spend time alone with any man at any location, not in public, like at a coffee shop, and especially not in private. Of course I could not meet my old friend from college when he came to town for the afternoon at a coffee shop. It's embarrassing to me now that I sacrificed my friendship that had lasted over the years to satisfy and therefore unwittingly help cover up the insecurity of the man I was dating.
I didn't understand at the time that these were his issues, that he needed to work out, and had nothing to do with me. But somehow I was the one making all the changes in my life, and suddenly feeling like a guilty suspect even when I had never done, nor thought of doing, anything that would actually endanger my relationship. He needed counseling because his previous partner had slowly left him for another man. The problem was, in fact, that he and his previous partner had grown apart, had lost the spark of good communication and emotional communion that is essential for a trusting relationship. So instead of building this spark and maintaining it with me, he was choosing the less complicated, less difficult path of forbidding me contact with "outsiders." This was the easy way out and destined us for a weak and eventually failed relationship.
We must all take the time, put in the effort, and build the emotional trust that leads to healthy relationships.
If you must put limits on your partner, something else is wrong.
If I don't trust my partner, he is fundamentally not my partner.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Happiness
"A person can be happy in certain moments, but it's not possible to actually be happy."
How many people believe this to be true? Does a person need to be naive to be actually happy? Or ignorant, even? Is ignorance actually bliss?
What if happiness is actually something a person must teach her or himself? I'm working on it every day. Every metro ride pulls me away; every time I fail at communicating with another person I feel further from happiness.
However, happiness is a feeling that starts in the middle of my chest and glows outward when I realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience beauty in life. I'm not hungry or cold. I have responsibilities, but rather than drag me down and make me feel burdened, I'm thankful to be needed. I have a purpose in life when I must answer to others and their needs.
Life is beauty, and happiness is feeling you exist for a purpose. In every moment I must find the purposefulness of spirit that moves me forward, since moving forward is the true sign of a healthy mind....
How many people believe this to be true? Does a person need to be naive to be actually happy? Or ignorant, even? Is ignorance actually bliss?
What if happiness is actually something a person must teach her or himself? I'm working on it every day. Every metro ride pulls me away; every time I fail at communicating with another person I feel further from happiness.
However, happiness is a feeling that starts in the middle of my chest and glows outward when I realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience beauty in life. I'm not hungry or cold. I have responsibilities, but rather than drag me down and make me feel burdened, I'm thankful to be needed. I have a purpose in life when I must answer to others and their needs.
Life is beauty, and happiness is feeling you exist for a purpose. In every moment I must find the purposefulness of spirit that moves me forward, since moving forward is the true sign of a healthy mind....
Different
"I'm looking for something different"
This seemed to be the central thought of his trip. Escaping from the humdrum and perhaps confusion of a life without goals, he decided to play roulette and choose a travel destination for a one-week trip to clear his thoughts.
Portugal was the winner, planned on the spur of the moment, as trips to Portugal often seem to be. He enjoyed his first two days alone, until a French couple looked at him incredulously and
remarked, "You're traveling alone?! No boyfriend, no girlfriend? Too bad!" Only then did he start to feel lonely.
Until he was walking along, recently off the train and consulting his thin paper map of Tomar, and a young woman waved and shouted from afar, "Hi! Do you speak English?" Her big smile took him off guard and he said, "Yes..." She turned out to be the third woman he'd met while traveling who was working on her thesis. "Why do I meet all these intelligent women while traveling?" he asked her, with a touch of frustration and a smattering of irony.
"Because intelligent women tend to travel more, I think," she replied, somewhat coyly.
They spent the day walking and having good conversation, as he explained his current life dilemma. "I've worked for so many years, but still don't know what I want to do!" All he knows is he does not want to follow the monkeys. If everyone is going to see a monument or landmark, he does not want to follow them there.
His travel partner's only and best advice for the day was this: "Just because the monkeys are going somewhere doesn't mean that you should not."
Maybe a life lived avoiding the beaten path just for the sake of avoiding is just another way of not having to make your own decisions.
After finally achieving the goal of gifting her with a fresh delicious orange, partaking in new and delicious pastries, and carrying home one for the road, he hugged her at the train station. "Thank you so much," he murmured. He watched her run to her train, wondering what would have happened if his coin had landed with the other side up.
This seemed to be the central thought of his trip. Escaping from the humdrum and perhaps confusion of a life without goals, he decided to play roulette and choose a travel destination for a one-week trip to clear his thoughts.
Portugal was the winner, planned on the spur of the moment, as trips to Portugal often seem to be. He enjoyed his first two days alone, until a French couple looked at him incredulously and
remarked, "You're traveling alone?! No boyfriend, no girlfriend? Too bad!" Only then did he start to feel lonely.
Until he was walking along, recently off the train and consulting his thin paper map of Tomar, and a young woman waved and shouted from afar, "Hi! Do you speak English?" Her big smile took him off guard and he said, "Yes..." She turned out to be the third woman he'd met while traveling who was working on her thesis. "Why do I meet all these intelligent women while traveling?" he asked her, with a touch of frustration and a smattering of irony.
"Because intelligent women tend to travel more, I think," she replied, somewhat coyly.
They spent the day walking and having good conversation, as he explained his current life dilemma. "I've worked for so many years, but still don't know what I want to do!" All he knows is he does not want to follow the monkeys. If everyone is going to see a monument or landmark, he does not want to follow them there.
His travel partner's only and best advice for the day was this: "Just because the monkeys are going somewhere doesn't mean that you should not."
Maybe a life lived avoiding the beaten path just for the sake of avoiding is just another way of not having to make your own decisions.
After finally achieving the goal of gifting her with a fresh delicious orange, partaking in new and delicious pastries, and carrying home one for the road, he hugged her at the train station. "Thank you so much," he murmured. He watched her run to her train, wondering what would have happened if his coin had landed with the other side up.
The Gift of Conversation
It occurred to me today that engaging in conversation with another person is a gift you give to her or him. I only realized it as I feel the singular sensation of no one talking to me.
In some way as I reflect on this, memories from elementary school seep into my consciousness. It was a lonely time, when I was the "new girl" over and over again, and rarely had enough time to make friends before my family moved again. During the passing years I've often remembered those years with a sort of fondness, believing they had taught me how to quickly and easily break the ice with new people I meet.
What happens, however, when there really seem to be no chances given by fate to meet people?
I'm in limbo, six weeks in a different country, with few contacts, no job, no school, and no social relationship opportunities. If I were a tourist, which I have frequently been, I could approach other tourists and engage in touristy conversation.
Here, however, the touristy locations were fun for the first two weeks.
Now I'm in conversation limbo.
And the people enjoying each other's speech on the metro are my one and only envy right now.
Life is good, but I look forward to the next gift of conversation someone offers me.
In some way as I reflect on this, memories from elementary school seep into my consciousness. It was a lonely time, when I was the "new girl" over and over again, and rarely had enough time to make friends before my family moved again. During the passing years I've often remembered those years with a sort of fondness, believing they had taught me how to quickly and easily break the ice with new people I meet.
What happens, however, when there really seem to be no chances given by fate to meet people?
I'm in limbo, six weeks in a different country, with few contacts, no job, no school, and no social relationship opportunities. If I were a tourist, which I have frequently been, I could approach other tourists and engage in touristy conversation.
Here, however, the touristy locations were fun for the first two weeks.
Now I'm in conversation limbo.
And the people enjoying each other's speech on the metro are my one and only envy right now.
Life is good, but I look forward to the next gift of conversation someone offers me.
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