Jealousy: A Symptom of Non-Relationship

Jealousy has no place in a relationship. Where does jealousy come from? It comes from the insecurity of one member of a partnership. This needs to be regarded as a weakness in that member and worked out either in conversational dialogue between the partners, or in professional therapy. If not, jealousy becomes a negative controlling factor that limits the life experience and happiness of the other partner.

I had a partner who felt jealousy, but I did not know at the time that this was his unresolved issue. Therefore, it quickly became my issue. I was no longer "allowed" to spend time with any ex-partners, because as he calmly explained, this only served to increase his insecurity with our relationship. He reasoned, "Why would you want to create insecurity in me? Don't you respect me?" That was how the manipulation began, and that would be the thread throughout our relationship.

Soon, it was not only ex-boyfriends that I couldn't spend time with. Next it was men who had ever expressed romantic interest in me. This is an extremely slippery slope, down which we quickly fell. Finally, all men fit into this category because as he explained to me, all men want to sleep with all the women they meet. This meant I was not "allowed" to spend time alone with any man at any location, not in public, like at a coffee shop, and especially not in private. Of course I could not meet my old friend from college when he came to town for the afternoon at a coffee shop. It's embarrassing to me now that I sacrificed my friendship that had lasted over the years to satisfy and therefore unwittingly help cover up the insecurity of the man I was dating.

I didn't understand at the time that these were his issues, that he needed to work out, and had nothing to do with me. But somehow I was the one making all the changes in my life, and suddenly feeling like a guilty suspect even when I had never done, nor thought of doing, anything that would actually endanger my relationship. He needed counseling because his previous partner had slowly left him for another man. The problem was, in fact, that he and his previous partner had grown apart, had lost the spark of good communication and emotional communion that is essential for a trusting relationship. So instead of building this spark and maintaining it with me, he was choosing the less complicated, less difficult path of forbidding me contact with "outsiders." This was the easy way out and destined us for a weak and eventually failed relationship.

We must all take the time, put in the effort, and build the emotional trust that leads to healthy relationships.

If you must put limits on your partner, something else is wrong.

If I don't trust my partner, he is fundamentally not my partner.